Who am I?... and does it really matter?

As far as questions go, “Who am I?” always seemed like an obvious one in my younger days. "Well thats obvious isn't it? I'm Sam"

But as time passed i began to think further and started to wonder, what makes me sam? Is it my appearance? Is it my personality as known by others? Is it my up-brining and moral code? Is it my genetic material? Is it my values?

Basically this list can be never ending once you start asking such questions.

I can look back at different periods in my life where what I considered as myself, was dependant on one major factor. Being able to identify to a particular social group.

The funny thing about such a factor is that as life went by my social circles changed various times. Social circles like family ,religious communities, romantic relationships, school friends, university friends, drinking and smoking buddies, friends I considered as close as family, older sport addicted maniacs and so many more. The more in-depth search started hand-in hand with my Ironman journey back in 2014 when I applied for my first Ironman in Sweden Kalmar. This is where major changes started happening in my life. Having to deal with a break-up. Facing with a physical task which seemed impossible (especially as a 100kg short person). Facing the inner battle of what I should do vs what I feel like doing. Facing the pressure of applying for Ironman just for the glory of crossing that finish line. Facing family issues.

Learning to train longer hours of training without music in my ears. I was forced to start learning how to listen to the voice in my head. No more distractions (supposedly). As my patient coach would verify, things didn't exactly go to plan as it was such a difficult task to try live without the distractions, yet it was the first introduction to learning to deal with my thoughts. 3 Years later I found myself preparing for my third Ironman race in Barcelona, while supposedly living the dream of opening my own Cafe'. The illusion of what I believed was living a successful life, started to come alive. Yet due to issues with my business partner, that business didn't last very long and my dream crumbled in-front of my eyes and also losing a person who was like a brother to me. In this period of my life I found myself very interested in philosophy and that’s when my brain started to question many things.

This changed everything.

The combination of being able to be with the voice in my head without the need of a distraction, along side developing a new curiosity to reassess what I believed to be real... I had figured out. I had figured out who I was.

I am significant to some, insignificant to the big picture.

I was series of masks worn over consciousness trying to be that which those around me had learnt me to be.

With this awarness, my reality could change.

Acceptance that my experience of reality may differ to that of another person became an easier concept to digest.

Acceptance of the struggle to join and conform to what is socially accepted as the normal reality was no longer necessary.

For the first time in my life, I was truly free.

So who am I?

It doesn’t really matter. I am here experiencing the world, and the world is experiencing me. I can stop trying to be something which limits me based on the idea others may have of me, but more importantly I can stop trying to be something which limits me based on my own idea of who I should be.

I simply am. And that’s good enough for me.