Sometimes you’ve just gotta take a left turn (raw blog post)

It’s been almost 2 years since I returned home after my bike tour. And what a strange 2 years its been.

2 years of denial

2 years of shame

2 years of escapism

2 years of internal conflict

Some seemingly impossible personal goals were achieved, but have been clouded by some major losses close to my heart.

Even though I returned home, in the past 2 years, I never felt AT HOME.

I just lost myself in trying to be something or someone I’ve believed I need to be.

Shame I completely forgot that it is precisely that recipe which sends me in the downward spiral. But here I am, and I cannot numb any longer.

Having said that, it’s the big losses and emotional strains that come with it which instigate change. It’s the brains way of saying “hey dumbass, wtf you doing?”

So after 2 years of shame, social anxiety, buried depression and hiding away overwhelming confusion. Today I start shedding the shame away and write my truths. Time to do my part in breaking the taboos of mental health.

Time to regain control by relinquishing the illusion of control I’ve built up.

Time to take a left turn.

So here I am sleeping on the floor of Barcelona Airport writing once again.

A left turn to take me into the unknown, something I am unprepared for. An impulsive decision with the hopes of internal change and growth once again.

Time to stop running away from myself and time to start walking the open road starting with the Camino de Santiago French route till I am able to remove the distorted lenses I‘ve become accustomed to viewing my own life with in the past 2 years.

To anyone who may be reading this, I ask something if you.

Please don’t minimize anyone’s feelings.

“how dramatic“

“don’t exaggerate“

”come on you have so much to be grateful for”

“just stop feeling that way”

It only adds feelings of more shame and more troubling thoughts.

JUST LISTEN.

Sometimes all a person needs is to know someone is willing to listen to them without being judged or to be fixed. It’s just to know that their feelings matter.

Everybody is fighting battles the rest of the world cannot see because of the shame of sharing those battles.

Take care and be safe

quick add on few hours later:

what a relief to have got it off my chest.